Negotiations broke down at 8:42 p.m., when the upper-left corner left the mattress for the third time.
Witnesses describe an initially optimistic situation. The sheet was clean. The bed was accessible. An adult with several years of bed-related experience was present.
“I thought I had it,” the adult said, in a statement repeated four times over the next eleven minutes.
A question of orientation
The Department first considered whether the sheet was sideways. It was rotated 90 degrees. This changed nothing, but made everyone feel that a process was underway.
Investigators then located the tag. The tag offered washing instructions in nine languages and no useful information about which end was which.
“If it has four corners, why are there only three available to me?”
The approved method
- Secure one corner.
- Secure the opposite corner.
- Hear the first corner leave.
- Stand very still for a moment.
- Consider the attractive simplicity of a sleeping bag.
A second adult was called in. They asked whether the sheet was sideways. The first adult has requested that this part not appear in the report.
Current position
The sheet is now on the bed. Nobody knows how. All parties have agreed not to touch it until absolutely necessary.
The Department does not recommend testing this arrangement by getting into bed.